jokes

	ANOTHER 40 YEARS A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live. Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was releasedfrom the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
	chinese to go.jpg
	A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York.Suddenly he sees the little girl being attacked by a pit bull. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girls live. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says:- You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all thenewspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves a little girl's life"- But I am not a New Yorker!- Oh, then it will say in newspapers in the morning:"Brave American saves a little girl's life" - But I am not an American. I am Afghan! The next day the newspapers say: "Islamic extremist kills American dog. Connections to terrorist network are possible."
	Why do women and why do men have two hands??? women.jpg; men.jpg
	The dumbest duck
	school reunion.jpg
	Four Catholic Mothers are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest." "When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father." The second Catholic mother chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop." "Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Grace." The third Catholic mother says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal." "Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic mother sips her coffee in silence, The first three mothers give her the subtle "Well...?" She replies, " My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard boiled, well-hung, male stripper." "Whenever he walksinto a room, women say, "Oh, My God..."
	Next time you're having a bad day... Only one.jpg
	Four
	Parking Tickets I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damned cop writing out a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a shit. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day.
	Cartoons: cruising.jpg, mirror.jpg, love shop.jpg
	Slipper
	A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that "American Indians" have the longest penises,............. and "Greek men" are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you."

	A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says:-"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room #221."

	A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single. #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single; and I'm Catholic too!" "OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley." He does and the Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
	Never give up!!!
	Why men must wear pants!!??!!
	A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the > difference between potentially and realistically?" > > The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if > she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask > your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, > and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million > dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." > > So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert > Redford for a million dollars?" > > The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that > money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!" > > The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad > Pitt for a million dollars?" > > The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him > in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?" > > The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom > Cruise for a million dollars?" > > "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million > could buy?" > > The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His > father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially > and realistically?" > > The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three > million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a > queer."
	Email became the part of our every- day-life. BUT, is there anybody who has seen Email? Who is Email anyway? How does Email look like?
	A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!" The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites. Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking. "That poor old couple." As the man began to eat his French fries, one young man stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again. After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" "The teeth."
	WiperDog
	Men's life before marriage: and after marriage:
	Star Wars Kid - Must see this!!!
	Watch this: Funny cats
	images/vicces_kepek/project.jpg
	http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/
	http://files4fun.de/funonline/pavlov1.htm http://files4fun.de/funonline/pavlov2.htm http://files4fun.de/funonline/pavlov3.htm http://files4fun.de/funonline/pavlov4.htm
	Click here and make your mood better!

	A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a very sheer blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate... The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
	Man of the year 2003:
	in the protection of animals
	Funny, horses, singing, clicking
	A man took his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year." They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow." (The husband is expected to recover.)
	tipical female vision:
	The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?" To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."
	Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies.The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket. At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died. "Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all." Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
	cute photos about animals
	And God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?" She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?" And so it was done, and it was good. Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast in her hand,"What can be done with this useless boob?" And God created man.
	Finally, something other than smiley faces.... :-) Perfect breasts (o)(o) Silicone breasts ( + )( + ) Perky breasts ()() Big nipple breasts (@)(@) A cups o o D cups { O }{ O } Wonder bra breasts (oYo) Cold breasts ( ^ )( ^ ) Lopsided breasts (o)(O) Pierced Breasts (Q)(O) Hanging Tassels Breasts (p)(p) Grandma's Breasts \ o /\ o / Against The Shower Door Breasts ( )( ) Android Breasts \| o \| \| o \| Mamogram Breasts (_)(_) Martha Stewart's Breasts ($)($)

	dog owners (funny pictures with children)


	If you can see 2 dolphins in the picture then everything is all right with you and you can continue your job. BUT if you can see something else too, you are very tense, you need to have a rest, so immediately stop working! PICTURE

	the real lameness (mpeg)

	you should see this little film/song (Click here)

	puli (it's a Hungarian dog)
	Ten Dollars Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said," Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

	UNPROOF!!!

	An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot . I was just wondering if you were my son."

	It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn. When Heidi started to go into labor she called "911". Due to a power outage and many emergencies in town, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while > Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, spanked him on his bottom and Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked the wide eyed 3 year old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again!".